


neverland

by seochangbin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Songfic, gender stereotypes, messy timeline rip, they work through it tho so yay, wow i'm really hitting all the really sensitive topics today huh, wow this is a wild ride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 19:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15080570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seochangbin/pseuds/seochangbin
Summary: they'd like to find their neverland, someday.(a story of jisung and felix growing up, told through moments in their lives.)





	neverland

**Author's Note:**

> oKAY i finished this in time for pride thank the lord and i've been super excited for this one!! i wrote this inspired by an original song by one of my closest friends, aptly titled neverland (which is why i made it the title of the fic!!). i love her song so much and i was able to write something up for it, i hope this does her song justice!!  
> btw i have no idea where this fic takes place, it was supposed to be modelled after korea's stigma and taboo around queer people n stuff but the places i described doesn't sound like korea,, just go with it yall

_I walk with you_

_Existing side by side_

_Your hands are not_

_Grasped tightly in mine_

_I look at you like_

_We’re only friends_

_We know it’s not the truth_         


jisung and felix walk to school together on their first day back to their last year of high school, like they have any other day. they’ve done so ever since they were kids, having known each other since young. they’re shoulder to shoulder, used to sticking close to each other, having done this so many times before.

it’s the first time felix feels just a tad bit shy when their fingers brush though, and he wants to link their pinky fingers, to start something, anything-- but he doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries, not when they’re in public. they’ve made it so far already, fucking it up now would just be a waste. he glances at the boy next to him, just barely-- his eyes flitting down to their hands, close enough to just hold--  but he decides against it.

jisung thinks back to the countless number of times he’s daydreamed in class -- of holding felix’s tiny hands in his own, slightly bigger ones: walking down the halls in school, walking home, anywhere they could go, really, jisung wanted to hold felix’s hand on the way there. it’s jisung’s first time feeling his cheeks heat up when felix’s knuckles brush over his own, the softness of the other boy’s skin a stark contrast to his.

he should really take better care of his hands.

  


_We’re only children_

_Sharing first kisses_

_Holding hands_

_We just want to fall in love_

_We’re only children_

_We never asked for this, we_

_Just want to fall in love_   

 

they had become acquainted out of convenience and by chance more than anything, the only kids of their age in their street. felix had been running up and down the street, carefree-- ah, the joys of being a child-- when jisung had stumbled out there too, the blinding sun beating down making his mom think that it would be a great day to let jisung go out to play. with who? he wasn’t sure, up till he’d seen the very pretty boy, smiling widely -- even smiling at him! -- even though he was literally just running around like, well, a fool.

and a fool he was, jisung thinks, because in a split second felix is on the ground, on the verge of crying. jisung can see the boy trying the hold back his tears when he realises jisung’s out there with him. he’s doing a really shitty job though, his lip quivering and a tear rolling down his face.

he can’t cry -- he’s been taught not to do so, he _has to be a big boy and toughen up_ , felix’s dad had told him. the cute, wide-eyed boy he had smiled at earlier was looking curiously at him now, but all of a sudden he can’t see the squirrel-looking boy all that clearly, tears blurring his vision.

felix doesn’t remember much of the rest of what happens, he only can recall how jisung had ran to him, scared but eager to help. he had been in pain, but he only remembers how jisung had gingerly pressed his lips to the bandage jisung’s mom had placed atop his injury from falling -- a minor scratch, on hindsight.

“i kissed it better for you! my mom always kisses me better whenever i get injured, and i always feel better after that! do you feel better now?” jisung asks, tone filled with concern and love.

(felix couldn’t tell then. partially because he couldn’t even understand half of what jisung had said to him, he could only catch “feel better” and dumbly nod in response.)

 

ten years later, they’re both sixteen, no longer friends but something more, when jisung presses his lips cautiously to felix’s.

they’re in jisung’s room, felix having been chased out of his house by his mom, telling him to go spend some time with the other boy. he’s glad for that, because he’d be sleeping the day away otherwise. instead, he learns that the boy he’s admired -- ever since he’d kissed his knee scrape better from all those years ago! -- likes him too.

his day (and his first kiss, too) definitely couldn’t have been better.

  


_We’ll find the love we seek_

_Where we won’t be unique_

_I’ll finally be_

_Me_

_In Neverland never never neverland_

_Never, never never neverland_

_I’ll be with you_

_Where we can be together_

_Neverland never never neverland_

_Never, never neverland_

_We could try to fly_

_But we will never land_

 

they find themselves on jisung’s bed, sprawled out the same way they were a year ago, when jisung had kissed felix for the first time, the same way they were ten months before, when jisung had asked felix to be his boyfriend.

“jisung, do you ever think we’ll be able to be ourselves, here?” felix whispers, loud in the all-too quiet room. he’s staring up at the ceiling, at the glow-in-the-dark stickers of different planets and stars scattered all over it. felix wonders how jisung’s short ass had gotten all the way up there to put those stickers up, even more so when he was younger.

“here? god, no,” jisung replies, almost despondently. “the adults are too old-fashioned, and they’re teaching their kids the same. no one here would ever let us be _us_ , felix.”

felix turns to face his boyfriend. “do you remember all those years ago? when you kissed me better when i fell back then, god. i had barely moved then, i could barely understand what you had said to me,” felix starts, as jisung turns to look at felix too, intrigued by the mention of their past. “i only trusted you because you were cute.”

jisung snorts. “and not because i was the only one your age there to help you?” he teases.

“definitely not,” felix rolls his eyes.

they lie there in comfortable silence for a bit, before jisung asks, “why’d you bring it up though? you moving, me helping you all the way back then?”

the other boy pauses, seemingly in thought. “i missed australia back then, and i miss it now. i remember being there, watching people be happy. and really, people were so, so happy. they could be whoever they wanted to be, love whoever they wanted to love, all that. my whole neighbourhood was just a big fuckin’ gay pride parade, now that i think about it.”

jisung chuckles.

“my family just ended up in the wrong neighbourhood, i guess. they’d despised being there, surrounded by all of the equality and love, god knows why. i remember my parents talking about moving -- back here, because they’d wanted a more conservative place for me to grow up, or something, i don’t know. all the gay just didn’t cut it for them, i guess,” felix rambles, the words falling from his mouth as fast as they had been running around in his mind. he’s never told anyone this, never told jisung this -- better late than never, he supposes.

jisung chews on his lip before he responds, “well, that’s too bad, their son turned out gay anyways.” felix bursts out laughing at this, bringing a smile to jisung’s face as well. “their son turned out gay anyways, and there’s still someone that loves him. that’s all that matters.” felix grins.

at his boyfriend’s love for his home country, jisung ponders aloud, “australia would be a better place to live then, right? we should live there together when we’re older. away from this toxic place.”

felix hesitates. “i- i don’t know. my neighbourhood might have been okay, but it still isn’t the safest place for queer people to be. there’ll still be people who’d judge us, there aren’t any laws or whatever protecting queer people. it’s still a risk, but it’s safer than staying here, that’s for sure.”

“then i wish there’s somewhere we could go. somewhere safe for the two of us,” jisung pauses, staring back up at the ceiling again. he hums in deliberation, pointing to one of the stickers, “maybe that one planet? the one with a bunch of rings around it? that seems like a nice place, no one else would be there to tell us what we can or can’t do, we can just enjoy being ourselves, you know?”

felix looks up now, to the one at the tip of jisung’s index finger. he knows how crazy it sounds, finding some perfect, safe haven for the two of them to live out their days, but he hopes that one day there’ll be a place like that for them.

neither of them mention the possibility where they won’t be together long enough for them to find a safe space for them to grow old together.

ignorance is bliss, after all.

  


_We talk for hours_

_I remember everything that makes you smile_

_Time flies, So slow_

_Love spreads like wildflowers_

_I look at you like we’re_

_Meant to be_

_It can never be the truth_

 

on felix’s birthday two years after their first kiss, jisung surprises the other boy (as surprising as a surprise can get, when your birthdays are only one day apart), drives him away from their small, stuffy neighbourhood and brings him to a field, a wide expanse of greens and yellows, with no one in sight for miles. the pale blue of the sky compliments the greenery nicely, and felix can’t help but snap a picture of it on his phone.

they hadn't gotten to spend jisung’s birthday together yesterday ( _“my mom won’t let me get out of the family gathering, baby,” jisung had told him over the phone, because he could just_ see _the pout on felix’s face at the news upon the silence on the other end. “i’m sorry, baby, i really am. i promise we’ll have tomorrow to ourselves though, i have something planned just for you.”_ ), but he hadn’t been too bothered. _operation: jisung’s birthday surprise_ would just have to be postponed.

and postponed it had been, until today.

“why are we here, sungie?” felix inquires nonchalantly, as he shoves his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. he tries to mask his nervousness, afraid to mess up the first major surprise he’s had for jisung in all their years of knowing each other.

felix has the notebook jisung’s been yearning to get for his song lyrics for the past few months in his backpack -- one with a leather backing, lined-paper of the highest quality, enough to last him till the end of the year, maybe into the next if felix is lucky. the notebook had dug a hole into his wallet, thin enough as it was. he’d have to spend less on meals for the next one month or so, but he thinks that seeing the smile on jisung’s face is worth it all.

“this is the surprise, dummy,” jisung states, as if it’s blatantly obvious why they’re in a field in the middle of nowhere on felix’s birthday.

felix gives him a look. “wow, this is a great birthday surprise, jisung. a field, i’m so shocked.” he deadpans teasingly, to which the other boy defends, “there’s more to the surprise! just be patient and follow me.”

so he does. felix lets jisung drag him by the hand, down a short, cleared path amongst the wild grass in the field, until they reach a comfy little spot, where a picnic mat and basket has been set up. “you really planned this out, didn’t you,” felix stutters out in mild shock, taken aback by the fact that jisung would do something like this for him.

“of course i did! to be honest, i’m surprised that nothing went missing, even though no one comes around here that much,” jisung ponders aloud as he tugs for felix to sit with him on the mat.

they sit back comfortably on the picnic mat, a tacky, generic red-and-white checkered pattern. felix overlooks it, instead reaching out to run his hand through the long grass.

“how’d you even find this place? it’s so beautiful out here, so peaceful,” felix gapes. jisung’s smiling smugly, proud that he’s found such a gem.

jisung opens up with startling honesty, “i was driving around when you were back in australia visiting relatives, when i was stressing over something. i missed you, but i didn’t want to bother you while you were there. i just drove and drove, until i wound up here? my mother wouldn’t have gotten off my back if she’d found out why i was moping around.”

“i sat here and cleared my head, and i could only think of you while i was here. i felt a lot better and i knew i wanted to bring you here one day. what better day to do it than your birthday, right?” he softens, raw vulnerability in his quiet, wavering voice, purposely avoiding felix’s eyes in slight embarrassment.

felix places his hand over jisung’s , grabbing his attention. “what reminded me of you?”

jisung looks up at felix, glances to the wide expanse of greens and dotting of yellow around them, and back to his boyfriend. “you told me once before, about how yellow was your favourite colour. it was when you were going to step out of the house in that bright yellow shirt, and i laughed at you then, until you told me why you liked it so much.”

he takes a deep breath, before he continues, “you liked yellow because it was so bright and warm, and cheery and that was what you wanted to be. when i was out here trying to clear my mind and i saw all these tiny yellow flowers, i could only think of- of you, because you remind me of yellow, because you’re the cheer and warmth and brightness in my life -- you’re _my_ yellow, felix.”

jisung swears he feels wetness on the other boy’s cheeks when felix kisses him, in the middle of that field filled with little reminders of joy, warmth, and felix.

(they spend the rest of the day together, sharing sweet kisses in the little field spotted yellow, on their little mat. they’re so absorbed in each other, they only realise it’s about time they leave when the sky turns a lovely orange, the sun setting on the horizon.

felix almost forgets about his gift for jisung, but he reveals it to him in the car on the drive home. jisung almost swerves the car into the opposite lane just from how excited he is and felix has to hold on to the dashboard tightly from the abrupt jolt.

jisung pulls over on the side of the road and kisses him, right there and then, both for the world and only themselves to see.)

 

 

_We’re only human_

_Sharing first kisses_

_Holding hands_

_We just want to fall in love_

_We’re only human_

_We never asked for this, we_

_Just want to be loved_

 

the first time felix kisses jisung in public (as public as they can make their relationship, at least) is in jisung’s car, after their first anniversary dinner date.

the barely-older boy had gotten his driver’s licence first so he was obliged to be his boyfriend’s chauffeur, not knowing where they were going most of the time until they’d actually gotten there. to say jisung was surprised when they’d ended up at a semi-fancy italian place for dinner would be an understatement.

of course, felix had wanted to pay for their meal in full, but jisung can only roll his eyes teasingly as he forks out his half for dinner when felix meekly reveals that he hadn’t brought out enough money that night. broke students, right?

and as much as felix had wanted to fulfil the stereotypical ‘kiss goodbye outside the other’s house’ trope from all the romance movies he’s seen (he really needs to get a grip), he doesn’t, because a) they literally live next to each other, that’d be weird; and b) either of their parents could look out the windows to the front of their houses at any time, and neither had come out to their family yet. they _really_ couldn’t risk it.

so he goes for the next best option: he gets jisung to pull over in the street before they turn into theirs, before he pulls him in for a slow, sweet kiss. they part, and felix chuckles at how red jisung’s ears are.

jisung will really never get used to felix kissing him.  
  


 

_We’ll find the love we need_

_Where we have never been_

_We’ll finally be_

_Free_

_Neverland, never never neverland_

_Never, never never neverland_

_Never never again_

_Oh, oh, oh_

_Neverland, never never neverland_

_Never, never never neverland_

_You’ll be with me_

_And you can be mine_

 

“no, mom. i told you already, there’s nothing going on between jisung and i. we’re just friends, we have been since we were kids. nothing more,” felix claims with finality, to get his mother off his back about his boyfriend -- well, the boyfriend she didn’t know about. to her, they were just friends, or at least, that’s how it was supposed to be.

being raised in a religious family made it hard enough to be gay, and having to lie about it to them is even worse.  he hates lying to the people he loves, but maybe lying about this will be better for his family.

he makes sure his mom has been appeased with his answer (for now), before he retreats to his room. he only then dares to dial jisung’s number on his phone, plugging his earphones in so only he can hear what jisung says to him.

“i had to get my mom off my back about earlier, you know,” felix cuts to the chase when jisung picks up, skipping the generic greetings. they’ve known each other for long enough, their phone calls rarely start with a “hello” anymore.

(they still drag out their goodbyes though, because both of them hate to end their calls. also because it’s fun, when they push the responsibility of hanging up back and forth between them until one of them gives in and finally does the deed.)

jisung sighs. “fuck, really? i’m sorry, i know we should have been more careful. but, i really didn’t think that would warrant an interrogation, i’m sorry, baby,” he rambles, and felix blushes at the pet name, even though they’ve already been dating for the past two years.

jisung had hugged him briefly out on the sidewalk, before they’d parted ways to return to their own houses. (all the making out had already been done in the car.) it had completely slipped his mind that they might have gotten caught since they were literally almost home. and they were, felix’s mother had looked out the window, anxious as to when her son would get back, when she spots the two boys parting from their hug.

“it’s not your fault, jisung,” felix reassures. “besides, the hug was really nice. it’s just- such a pain to have to keep hiding like this, especially from our parents. it’s exhausting.”

felix can hear jisung thinking in the momentary silence between them. “i mean, we don’t have to keep hiding it from them anymore. we’re graduating so soon, we won’t have to keep our guards up as much anymore. we could room together and never have to come out, both literally and metaphorically, if you think about it,” jisung poses, garnering a chuckle from the other boy. “wouldn’t that be so nice? we could just be in our own little bubble. and we would get to cuddle a lot more often, it’s definitely a good place to be.”

felix only hums in agreement, keeping to himself the worries he has about other things. he won’t spoil the other boy’s fun, not yet.

  


_We knew it long ago_

_Where we will have to go_

_I can’t just let you leave_

_Oh Please just come with me_

_We knew it long ago_

_Where we will have to go_

_Why can’t you be with me_

_Oh Please don’t leave me be_  


“jisung, no, you can’t do this to me,” felix crumbles, voice cracking. he can already feel tears welling up in his eyes, and he just wants to yell. yell at the world for hating him, for giving him such an unaccepting family, for everything.

“i’m sorry, i- i have to. my dad had me cornered, asking why i wanted to move out when i went to university, and i- i got scared, i told him. about us, felix, and he got so fucking angry, i can’t even explain it,” he chokes out in a soft voice.

felix knows jisung too well, knows he’s not lying about any of it, because jisung gets quiet when he’s scared, or faced with something unfamiliar, or feeling threatened.

“he told me, ‘until you leave that boy, you aren’t my son.’, and it just hurt me so much, felix. i knew that i had to tell him, but i thought, maybe he had changed, you know? that maybe it would work? god, you know that him and i aren’t on the best of terms, but i literally won’t even make it into uni if he cuts me off, he might not even let me go. i don’t know what to do, felix.” he slumps into the other boy’s shoulder, arms wrapping loosely around felix. he shoves his face into felix’s shoulder, choked up sobs from the distressed boy muffled by the material of felix’s shirt.

“god, baby,” felix sighs, bringing his arms around jisung to hug him. “coming out then wasn’t the smartest thing to do, i can’t come out to my parents either. i guess we’ll just have to wait, we leave in a week. let things simmer down on their own, maybe there’s a way we can convince your parents to let you move to the uni dorms later on.”

the other boy whimpers in response, prompting felix to continue. he knows felix always has something more to add.

felix adds, “i won’t let you cast me aside because of your dad, jisung. i’m here for you. i have been, and i still will be.”

jisung sniffles, before he whispers back in his , “don’t go, felix. don’t let me go. please.”

he hums, “i would never. i promise.”

  


_Who said this is wrong_

_Who said we don’t belong_

_This is us just being strong_

_so why don’t you come along_

 

a week into uni, felix and jisung are curled up in bed in felix’s room, the other half of the room barren and empty. it’s a stark contrast to felix’s half, bright colours filling the room, band posters all over the walls, figurines, plushies and even a picture frame with a photo of them from one of their dates adorning his desk.

felix’s managed to convince the uni admin to save the extra bed in the room for jisung, in the hopes of him being able to move in within the next month. jisung had been going around with a huge grin on his face for most of their lessons ( _his ecstatic smile_ , felix notes), but had a troubled frown on now.

“what’s wrong? i can hear you thinking, jisung,” felix teases, and jisung’s pout deepens.

he collects his thoughts, mouth opening and closing as he deliberates on what to say. “i- are we- _wrong_ , felix?” he whispers the word like it burns, but it’s so loud in the empty quietness of the room before felix lets out a noise of confusion in the back of his throat, prompting jisung to continue.

jisung sighs heavily. “like, i don’t know, i’ve been thinking about some stuff my dad told me when i went back the other day. he was trying to talk me out of being gay, saying it was wrong, messing with my fucking brain. it was so similar to what he had told me all those years ago, when we were just children, and fuck, it sucks. it fucking sucks that we can’t be _us_ and now i’m doubting everything and-”

“jisung, you know he’s just trying to mess with you, right? all we’ve had for all these years was each other, there’s no way he can say what we’ve had, who we are- is _wrong_ ,” felix spits the last word with venom in his voice. “there’s no way he can say that what we had isn’t real, because it was, jisung. you know that as well as i do, so stop thinking about what he’s told you.”

he deliberates for a while more, before he speaks up, “you have me. you’ve always had me, jisung. nothing’s changed. i’m here for you, we just have to stick together. let’s prove them wrong.” he kisses the top of jisung’s head lightly to reassure him.

“yeah, let’s prove them wrong.” jisung repeats, snuggling closer to his boyfriend, hugging him just a little tighter.

  


_In Neverland never_

_Neverland never_

_I’ll hold your hand_

_And never_

_Let go_

 

jisung’s called him at least five consecutive times now, yelling at him to hurry down to the parking lot as quickly as he can.

felix has to jog briskly ( _no running in the halls_ ) even though it’s eleven o’ clock at night, when frankly no one should even be out at this time. he ignores jisung’s sixth phone call this time, choosing to shoot him a text to tell jisung to _chill the fuck out, give me a second!_

he can only return jisung’s dopey smile when he makes out the silhouette of his boyfriend standing by his car, a medium-sized packing box and duffle bags unloaded and already on the floor. he runs now, to embrace jisung with a soft ‘oof’ from the impact.

“god, i’m so happy. how’d you do it?” felix chatters excitedly after they part, tugging at the sleeve of jisung’s button-up shirt, a pretty, muted yellow colour. he likes this shirt on jisung the most.

jisung scratches the back of his head. “i was actually just planning to sneak out and leave them a note, but my mom caught me trying to get out the front door while holding everything. i guess i wasn’t as stealthy and quiet as i thought i was.” felix giggles at this.

he continues, “i told her everything, and she’d happily sent me off and helped me get my things into the car. she even said she’d deal with dad for me. i’ve never been happier, felix. i can’t believe we’re actually here. alone, just the two of us. no more hiding from parents, from anyone.”

felix smiles brightly at the revelation, how much more open they could be. they could finally be themselves.

and as felix grins at him, jisung can only admire the dotting of freckles across his cheeks and nose, the constellations on his face all the more prominent under the moonlight.

felix’s freckles have always been one of jisung’s favourite things about his boyfriend. some would have thought that their relationship would have been like the freckles on felix’s face -- a deviation from the norm, something that had to stand out, and not in a good way. to others, they would have been admired, loved even, for them to be willing enough to make known.

his freckles serve as a gentle reminder to jisung of how his and felix’s love has blossomed from when they were just kids, a pretty little flower blooming under the sun. they remind jisung of the field of yellow flowers he’d found solace in years ago, the one he’d brought felix to that same year for his birthday, the one that reminded him so much of the boy he loved.

felix snaps jisung out of his daze, knocking jisung’s arm lightly as he bends down to pick the box up from the ground. it’s opened, filled to the brim with knick-knacks and other items, he doesn’t really bother looking. he outstretches his arm now, offering his free hand, box cradled in the other.

jisung grins eagerly at him, picks up his other bags before taking his boyfriend’s hand in his, holding it tightly.

they don’t let go, even though felix almost drops the box at least thrice on the way back to the room and jisung’s bags slip from his shoulders a couple of times too.

they’ll never let go.

 

**Author's Note:**

> paragraphing who? idk her,, haha,,, 
> 
> so many parts of this were so cringey im sorry you had to go through that if you made it all the way?? leave me a comment if you liked this i guess,, thank you for making it to the end!!  
> seriously i'm sorry if the spacing is weird i'm so tired i can't be bothered to fix it on mobile,, 
> 
> i don't think anyone cares but i'll be stopping writing for a while, till the end of the year because i'm swamped with homework and exams left and right, but i hope i'll be back when i can, bigger and better!! 
> 
>  
> 
> leave me a comment or kudos if you liked this!! uwu


End file.
